I must be well tomorrow

I feel like I am burying my sadness, deeper and deeper, no longer able express it. I feel immensely sad, and that is all I know. Where are you, the ones I used to hold so close to me? Where are all of you? Who am I to you?

Books surround me, the door is shut. I must not fall again. I do not know anything. Talk to people. But they merely remind myself of my presence for that moment of our encounter. Learn to drown myself in books in music in movies in art in creation in thoughts in myself, shut myself away in the process - forgo the chances to open up to others (if the doors are even open).

(so why do I not want her to enter?)

I will not fall. I must not fall. I definitely will not fall. If I chant this over and over, will I stand tall? I have lost half my heart and soon I will lose all of it. There will be nothing left. Not even ashes. Or air.


What hurts you the most might not not be loneliness. It is the promises given; I will be there despite my busy schedule, I am sorry I can't do anything. They are not lies, they are not. They mean no harm at all. Those are kind words, spoken genuinely, or perhaps in a desperate attempt to console me at that moment.

But I would rather you say nothing at all than to be left with disappointment, door of vulnerability open and shut in my face. I would rather wrap my heart in layers of cloth so tight that the ruby drops squeeze out so I can feel my wet skin and meet someone, anyone who might save me or let me die. Or I might find it in me to release the cloth bound so tightly.

This inability to express is killing me the most tonight. It is the most terrible feeling on earth, much worse than sadness.

I will not fall. I must not fall. I will be better tomorrow.